Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He literally asked permission to hit on me
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
