he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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