guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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