Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
