I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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