Soap is not a condiment
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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