You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize