dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
