Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize