at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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