Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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