Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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