There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize