If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
