3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My day in three words: secret purse cake
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
