got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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