What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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