So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
