my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
