what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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