I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
