If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
