Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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