what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Everything about him screamed your future.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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