he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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