Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
