do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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