I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Farmville is her only friend.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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