well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
