seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
There are leaves in my underwear?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
