I think my vagina is haunted
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
