i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
