I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
