Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
