I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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