Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
