If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
