Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i came on her dog
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
