Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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