haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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