I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
