the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
