it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize