she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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