I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
