This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
