Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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