sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
