chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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