return my video game
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
