I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
