hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
