Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
