the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
