If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
