Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
