at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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