A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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