If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm getting married
To pizza
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
