12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
