How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
