Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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