jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Girls should come with a carfax report
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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